WTF?!--What the French Read online

  OTHER BOOKS BY OLIVIER MAGNY

  Stuff Parisians Like

  Into Wine: An Invitation to Pleasure

  NEW AMERICAN LIBRARY

  Published by Berkley

  An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014

  Copyright © 2016 by Gourmand Horizons, LLC

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Magny, Olivier, author.

  Title: WTF?!: What the French/Olivier Magny.

  Description: New York: Berkeley Books, an imprint of Penguin Random House, 2016.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2016011036 (print) | LCCN 2016026078 (ebook) | ISBN 9780425283479 (paperback) | ISBN 9780698410237 (ebook)

  Subjects: LCSH: France—Social life and customs—21st century—Humor. | BISAC: HUMOR/General. | HISTORY/Europe/France. | HISTORY/Social History.

  Classification: LCC DC33.9 .M34 2016 (print) | LCC DC33.9 (ebook) | DDC 944—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016011036

  First Edition: October 2016

  Cover design by Adam Auerbach

  While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

  Version_1

  To the people of France.

  Affectueusement!

  OM

  CONTENTS

  OTHER BOOKS BY OLIVIER MAGNY

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT

  DEDICATION

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  INTRODUCTION

  LE TERROIR

  L’APÉRO

  FRENCH DANCING

  BLOWING AIR

  FRENCH RAP

  BEING SERIOUS

  LA RANDO AND LOOKING FLY

  ÇA VA

  C’EST PAS POSSIBLE

  BEAUTY

  FABRICE LUCHINI

  NUDITY

  LE GOÛTER

  LE GAUCHISME

  TAKING FLOWERS SERIOUSLY

  DATING

  BORDERS AND COUNTRY

  FRENCH VACATIONS

  JE SUIS CHARLIE—OR NOT?

  SPELLING

  L’AGRESSIVITÉ

  GROCERY SHOPPING

  NUTELLA

  PATRIOTIC BRAVADO

  THE FRENCH-AMERICAN DREAM

  IDEOLOGICAL TRANSFORMATIONS

  THE OBSESSION WITH FOOD

  PERMISSIVENESS

  BREAKFAST AND COFFEE

  LA QUENELLE

  LES ANGLO-SAXONS

  MASSES AND MOSQUES

  LA MONDIALISATION

  FRENCH CINEMA

  THE ENGLISH 180

  AFRICANIZATION

  THE CONCEPT OF MINISTRE

  PESSIMISM AND NEGATIVITY

  EATING RULES

  LES INTELLECTUELS

  THE YOUNG-BOY HAIRCUT

  THE RISE OF THE FRONT NATIONAL

  COMMUNAL SONGS

  TAXES

  LA CONVIVIALITÉ

  LEAVING FRANCE

  EFFEMINATE MEN

  SMOKING

  DIVORCE

  GRAY ZONES IN THE LAW

  THE BOURGEOIS OBSESSION

  L’ENA

  USING BUMPERS

  LES BISOUNOURS

  FILLES ET FILS DE

  THE FRENCH LANGUAGE

  LA BISE

  WEALTH

  THE WEIGHT MYTH

  LA POLICE

  ENGLISH WORDS ON T-SHIRTS

  FRENCH COMMENTS SECTIONS

  THE UPS AND DOWN OF WINE CULTURE

  LA BIEN-PENSANCE (FRENCH P.C.)

  YOGURT

  STRIKES

  TELEVISED DEBATES

  BREAD

  LES FONCTIONNAIRES

  NICE THINGS

  IMMIGRATION

  FRENCH CARS

  THE RISE OF COMMUNITIES

  FRENCH UNIVERSITIES

  LES ASSOCIATIONS

  NE PAS SE PRENDRE LA TÊTE

  LA LAÏCITÉ

  FIRST NAMES

  NOT GETTING RICH

  FAST FOOD

  SLOW FOOD

  THE PRESS

  LA CHANSON FRANÇAISE

  RADARS

  VDM

  PARALLEL LANGUAGES

  INTERMINABLE GOOD-BYES

  TRAVELING TO PARIS? LIKE WINE?

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Dealing with French people on a daily basis is no piece of cake. Dealing with this Frenchman even less so. For this, my deepest gratitude goes to my formidable, patient, and beautiful wife.

  Thank you to my ever-enduring parents. Thank you also to my in-laws for treating me like a son, despite my Frenchness!

  Special thanks also to all the team at O Chateau and Caves du Louvre, and particularly to the captain of the ship: Nicolas Paradis.

  Special thanks to my friend Cameron for his support throughout the writing of this book.

  Thank you also to my agent Irene Goodman, who made this book possible. Her love of France and kind lenience with my silly texts have been a source of encouragement and joy. Thank you to Allison Janice at Berkley for editing out some of my silliest thoughts. Thank you also to Emmanuelle Heurtebize, who made this whole adventure possible.

  Finally, thank you also to you, dear reader, for picking up this book. It is nice to think that there is someone on the other side of these words.

  INTRODUCTION

  The story of this book started a few years ago when I started writing a blog for my wine-tasting company. The blog was called Stuff Parisians Like. Much to my surprise, the blog grew quite popular and soon enough became a beautiful little book. I would have been happy with the story ending there.

  It did not.

  In just a few weeks, the book became a bestseller in France. I suddenly started to receive extremely incongruous notes: one from a student telling me their professor at La Sorbonne had them study two of my texts in class, another one from a theatrical director who asked me for permission to read and act out my silly writings onstage. Snail mail also got more interesting, as I received translations of my book in Polish, German—heck, even Taiwanese!

  The day you receive your book in Taiwanese is a strange one. Especially when your day-to-day is absolutely not that of a writer. In real life, I’m an entrepreneur. At age twenty-three, I started a wine-tasting company. The following decade of my life I dedicated to trying to make French wine, and somehow French culture, more intelligible to the clients of O Chateau. Many fascinating discussions, much hilarity, and countless glasses of wine ensued.

  This new book is the continuation of these discussions. I’m afraid you’ll have to pour yo
ur own vino, but I hope you find in the following pages a story you’ll find interesting, possibly helpful, and at times amusing. My ambition was never to write a book that would be comprehensive about any of the aspects I touch on. Even though it is sourced, fact-checked, and documented; even though it was written by someone who’s 100 percent French, who grew up in France, and who has started and operated a business in France, this is not a guidebook, a manual, or a textbook—it is more of a snapshot. I tried to angle the lens and shoot from a distance that I think will help you gain a better understanding of France through all of the realities, facts, trends, and quirks this book describes. I’m sure you’ll have your share of surprises.

  Now, get that glass of wine, kick back, and enjoy!

  LE TERROIR

  Understanding France—and wine while you’re at it—requires being acquainted with a word the French language had the elegance to give birth to and to nurture. That word is terroir.

  Ask a wine lover what makes a great bottle of wine so great: le terroir. Why is this winemaker so excited about this small little parcel on that particular hill? Le terroir. What is so wonderful about Burgundy or Piemonte? Le terroir. Le terroir is somewhereness; it is the essence of a place, its signature. It is what’s unique, nonreproducible, and singular about it.

  In the world of wine, this translates into the unique combination of soil, subsoil, climate, topology, etc., all of which contribute to giving a unique taste to the grapes and therefore ultimately to the wine produced in that particular place. French wine is so complex and diverse because, to the very core of how it is organized, farmed, and sold, it values terroir. In France, names of places—not of grapes—define wine. People in France order Bordeaux, Beaujolais, Sancerre, and Champagne, which are all regions, not Merlot, Pinot Noir, or Sauvignon Blanc, which all refer to grape varieties! Wine, for the French, is about where it’s from far more than about what grape(s) it’s made from.

  Ultimately, terroir is what makes one place different from another. The terroir of the American South at the beginning of the last century gave us jazz, just like that of the Bronx in the 1980s gave us hip-hop.

  France is home to countless terroirs, which have been shaped over millennia. It is also home to a culture that recognizes, appreciates, and sometimes even reveres them. Anyone who has traveled extensively through France can grasp the tremendous variety in architecture, cuisine, wine, accents, crops, sports, and cultural references from one French region to the next. Normandy is immediately and irremediably distinguishable from Alsace, in the same way that Provence is different from Brittany, or Corsica from the Alps.

  Most French people are gourmands, so when they travel to these regions, they have high expectations. Go to Normandy and your intake of Calvados and cider will automatically increase. Visit Brittany and crêpes will be your passage obligé. Head to Marseille: bouillabaisse and rosé wine will most likely be on the menu. Off to Alsace? You’d miss out by not sipping Alsatian wine or beer while enjoying a good choucroute.

  While the expression of terroir in the world of wine—since it is complex, extremely varied, and thus requires some getting acquainted with—makes many people consider French wine as “too complicated,” visiting France shows how wonderfully diverse, tasty, and unpretentious the culture of terroir truly is.

  In a global world that threatens to obliterate differences, recognizing, appreciating, and seeking expressions of terroir—whether in wine, food, music, architecture, or language—are the ticket to a more delectable and richer life. If wine has one thing to teach us, it really is the beauty and value of le terroir. For while the word is French, the reality is not. Terroirs are everywhere. So come along, dear reader, and join the joyful bunch known as the terroirists!

  Useful tip: If you want to experience wines that express their terroir the most, ask for “biodynamic” wines at your local wine store.

  Sound like a French person: “L’amour du terroir, c’est important quand même dans la culture française.” (The love of terroir—it’s actually an important part of French culture.)

  L’APÉRO

  There is no understanding French culture without understanding the paramount importance of l’apéritif.

  L’apéritif is the moment preceding a meal when drinks and finger food are consumed. It’s the warm-up, the buildup, the foreplay before a meal. In and of itself, the mere existence of the concept of drinks and food before drinks and food should suffice to guarantee an irrevocable spot for France in the hall of fame of the world’s greatest nations.

  The apéritif is an absolute landmark of French culture—and is typically referred to by its familiar nickname l’apéro. It is essential to realize that even though food can be served, l’apéro is really about the drinking. Heck, French supermarkets even have a section of the drinks aisle called apéritifs, where all the traditional apéro drinks are gathered.

  Meals in France are a serious matter—you should ease into them. L’apéro is that buffer between the harshness of nonmeal life and the pleasant parenthetical that a proper French meal should be. It is about transitioning to your more relaxed, more social, and more joyful self.

  Prendre l’apéro is more about sharing a moment than just having a drink. It’s about taking the time to do it. So the first thing your server should ask after you are seated at a French restaurant is: “Un apéritif pour commencer?” That is one legitimate question!

  It is essential to pick up signals when it comes to the apéro culture. If a friend offers you an apéritif for lunch on a weekday, the plan is clear: boozy lunch. Not much solid work is going to be achieved that afternoon. At night, apéros can be had solo at home to take the edge off, or with friends or colleagues, or at a bar. Girls like to have un p’tit apéro entre filles (a girls-only apéro), while guys typically prefer un apéro entre mecs (a guys-only apéro). What is served depends on social class, trends, regions, and seasons. During spring and summer, apéro rhymes with rosé.

  Go to the South of France and pastis (and its derivatives like mauresque) will be your go-to apéro drink. In Burgundy, kir (black currant liqueur mixed with white wine) is the traditional choice. Climb the social ladder and l’apéritif is equated with Champagne. Head to Martinique, Guadeloupe, or Réunion Island and rum will dominate the scene. Foodwise, anything could potentially be on offer, from sad little cacahouètes (peanuts) all the way to fancy amuse-bouches. The most common option is simply gâteaux apéritif—think a better, more eclectic version of crackers (which undoubtedly constitute another very French section of local supermarkets). Every French person is highly familiar with the few typical gâteaux apéritif, and everyone has a favorite (e.g., les Curly, les Tucs, etc.).

  When French people have friends or family over, l’apéritif is an essential part of the event. It is not held at the dinner table and requires a separate venue (outside, on the sofa, by the coffee table, etc.). Only once l’apéro is finished (and the food is ready) will guests be asked to sit down for the meal.

  L’apéro is such a pleasant time of any French social experience that it has morphed into an experience in and of itself. It went independent! Over the past few years, l’apéro stopped simply preceding meals and started to frequently supplant them.

  L’apéritif dînatoire was born: no formal dinner, but enough food to satisfy all guests. Many corporate events or family affairs now take the form of more flexible and mingly apéritifs dînatoires.

  But the real fun in the new, reinvented world of apéritifs is to be had by the younger crowd. Younger French people don’t do dinner parties as much as their elders, frequently lacking the time, space, money, desire, or cooking skills. Yet they love to meet up for un apéro. There is something very open and noncommittal about it that fits the Millennial lifestyle. The invitation implies that everyone can leave early or invite friends. It also implies that things can get wild and go all night if the vibe is right. No definite script. The a
tmosphere is usually more relaxed than more formal social functions, so apéros tend to be great fun and may end up lasting even longer than your good old traditional French meal. Incorrigible Frenchies!

  Useful tip: Always bring a bottle of wine. Not too fancy.

  Sound like a French person: “On fait un apéro vendredi soir. Tu veux passer?” (We’re having an apéro Friday night. Wanna stop by?)

  FRENCH DANCING

  You may be surprised to find that there is such a thing as French dancing.

  It can be summed up in two words: bad dancing.

  In France, dancing is about acknowledging the music. Following it is secondary. Who’s that good at dancing anyway? In France, just getting your body in motion will qualify you as an utterly fun person. A French party animal is just someone that moves some body parts when she hears music. Coordination is irrelevant. It is quite okay to look bad. It is actually okay to look like you might—just possibly—suffer from some mild and heretofore discreet mental affliction. The French are open-minded like that. Here, there is always a mild feeling of relief when the music stops and people get back to normal: they were not impaired; they were just French!

  Now, while the majority of French people specialize in erratic motions, some step it up a notch. On the dance floor, these ones do not look like they might have a disease; they just suck. When it comes to dance skills, plain sucking will make you one of the best dancers in France. No questions asked. You’re a natural.

  French dancing is primarily arm dancing. Sooner or later, French dancing will provide the observer with the ultimate French dance move: the arms-up move. When the chorus of a song comes up, 80 percent of the people on the dance floor will raise their arms to the sky—again, most likely not in time with the music. For the most energetic people or the greatest tunes, their bodies will follow their arms skyward and then their feet toward the ground. The French will start jumping along with the music.